Random Thought

Why do the actions of someone you dont care about still hurt like you do care?????


- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: FOR YOU

DEAR,


I DON'T KNOW WHY TODAY I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU.... THOUGHT ABOUT US.... IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE....


IM OVER YOU IVE BEEN OVER YOU.... BUT TODAY I JUST WISH I COULD SEE YOUR FACE AND HEAR YOUR VOICE... JUST ONE LAST TIME I WISH THAT I COULD GO BACK TO BELIEVING THAT THE LIES WERE THE TRUTH.


I REALLY BELIEVED IN YOU WITH ALL THAT I HAD.... ALL I WAS.


SAD I WOULD HAVE GAVE UP SEEING THE WORLD IN MOTION FOR YOU,

SAD I WOULD HAVE WENT BLIND AND DEAF TO EVERYONE FOR YOU,

SAD I WOULD HAVE CHANGED ANYTHING ABOUT ME FOR YOU,

SAD I WAS WILLING TO WALK AWAY FROM THE AISLE FOR YOU.



I'LL NEVER FIND SOMEONE WHO WAS PERFECT FOR ME LIKE YOU WERE.... SO THERE IS NO USE IN LOOKING... IT WONT HAPPEN.



SAD THAT I KNOW THAT EVERYTHING YOU WERE TO ME I WASN'T FOR YOU

... YET I STILL TRIED TO BE


.... AND STILL LET YOU BE




ALWAYS,

him

SO YEAH.... I HAD BEEN UNDER MY ROCK FOR A FEW DAYS AND FAILED TO MENTION THAT I TALKED TO him WEDNESDAY AND ALSO AGAIN ON SUNDAY.....


CRAZYNESS RIGHT???


UMM IDK HONESTLY WEDNESDAY I HAD A LOTTA MIXED FEELINGS WHEN HE CALLED... MOSTLY IT WAS STRAIGHT UP SHOCK.... AND I WAS KINDA LIKE WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME? BUT IN MY STRESS SUNDAY WE TEXTED FOR A BIT WHICH WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY HELPFUL.... WE HAVE A SHOOT THIS SUNDAY SO WE SHALL SEE HOW THAT GOES

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: FRUSTRATION

DEAR

I'M WRITING YOU HOPING THAT YOU'LL GIVE ME SOME SORTA STRENGTH.... I'M FEELIN SO MANY THINGS GO WRONG RIGHT NOW AND I'M NOT SEEING WHEN AND WHERE THEY ARE GOING TO BE GETTING BETTER.

LAST NIGHT I HAD TO MAKE A CALL AT MIDNIGHT CUZ THE PAIN HURT SO MUCH..... AND IT RETURNED AS SOON AS I HUNG UP THE PHONE. SO I JUST CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP AGAIN.

TRYNNA GET BETTER IS SOO HARD WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT FOR YOURSELF.... NOBODY UNDERSTANDS AND THEY JUST THINK THAT YOU'RE BEING LAME.

I BROKE AND WROTE him AND EXPLAINED MYSELF... NOT LIKE I HAD TO BUT I DID BECAUSE I NEEDED TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT NOT TALKING TO HIM. THE FUNNY THING IS THAT SEEING THAT HE STILL DOESN'T EVEN CARE MADE ME EVEN MORE SURE....

IM WONDERING ABOUT q AND I DON'T LIKE THAT.... wow IS GETTING ON MY NERVES BECAUSE HE'S SO MUCH LIKE idiot, secret IS JUST A LOST CAUSE....

MY carrie IS IN PAIN, MY mighty mouse IS TOO BUSY FOR ME, AND MY BOYS ARE JUST WRAPPED UP IN THEIR GIRLS... I FEEL LIKE MY OTHER GIRLS WON'T UNDERSTAND.

I JUST NEED SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER A SIGN THAT THINGS ARE GOING TO BE OKAY.

REFLECTIONZ: UNTITLED2

"SUPERHUMAN YOU DID THIS TO ME....."

YOU'RE MY KRYPTONITE.... NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY ITS NO USE. ITS CRAZY HOW I WAS MISSING YOU SO MUCH AND THEN YOU COMEBACK. LIKE I KNEW YOU WERE MISSING ME LIKE I DID YOU.

BUT DID I MESS IT UP, AND LOSE YOU AGAIN?

DO I EVEN WANT YOU BACK.

"MY ONLY WEAKNESS IS YOU, MY ONY REASON IS YOU"

"YOU CHANGED MY WHOLE LIFE... DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME..."


AND JUST NOW I STOPPED TO THINK ABOUT WHY IT STOPPED TO BEGIN WITH.... BECAUSE YOU MADE ME TO WEAK. I GUESS THERE IS A REAL HANCOCK STORY AFTER ALL

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I STILL FEEL YOU'RE PULL AND I WONDER IF I CAN RESIT IT.

I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYMORE BUT I CAN'T DENY THAT PART OF ME IS HURTING BEYOND REASON AND ALL EXISTANCE WITH YOU GONE.

THE SILVER LINING OF REJECTION

SOOOO YESTERDAY I GOT TO SPEND SOMETIME WITH new prospect, WHICH WAS COOL. BUT SEXUALLY FRUSTRATING.... ORIGINALLY HE WAS SUPPOSSED TO COME BACK BY BY BUT OF COURSE BECAUSE HE IS THE ULTIMATE FLUKE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.


SO ME BEING LAME OLE ME I DECIDED TO TEXT HIM BEING CUTE.


A: I WANT YOU

NP: WHY?

A: CUZ I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE SILLY

NP: WHY? WAT MAKES YOU WANT ME?

A: CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF I LIKE THE IDEA OF BEING WITH YOU.

NP: WELL I DON'T THINK ITS A GOOD IDEA.

A: UMM WOW

A: OK... I GUESS. IM SORRY I WASTED YOUR TIME


CONFUSED AND BEWILDERED I LAID IN MY BED THEN CURLED INTO A BALL. WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED? MORE IMPORTANTLY WHAT THE HECK LED TO ALL OF THIS BECAUSE I CERTAINLY DIDN'T KNOW. A PART OF ME WAS ACTUALLY SAD AT THIS POINT BECAUSE I THE KID WAS ACTUALLY STARTING TO GROW ON ME....


AS I BEGAN TO BEAT MYSELF UP OVER THIS WHOLE CONFUSING INCIDENT I BEGAN TO GET CALMER AND CALMER AND MADDER AND MADDER.


WHAT WAS SOO WRONG WITH ME?

WHY DOES STUFF JUST NOT WORK AT ALL?


MAYBE I NEED TO TAKE A BREAK.... YEAH ITS TIME TO TAKE A BREAK.... IS TIME TO MAKE A CLEAN BREAK.


SO A SINGLE TEXT MESSAGE WAS SENT TO CERTAIN PEOPLE.

A: I CAN'T TALK TOYOU ANYMORE


ABOUT 13 PEOPLE IN MY PHONE GOT THAT MESSAGE. ANOTHER TWO GOT MORE PERSONALIZED VERSIONS:


A: I CAN'T PRETEND ANYMORE... THIS THING WITH US ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE -medlor

A: YOU AND I WILL NEVER BE BACK TOGETHER.... I KNOW YOU DON'T LOVE ME.- idiot


SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T EVEN GET THE BENEFIT OF A TEXT MESSAGE THEY JUST GOT DELETED FROM MY PHONE COMPLETELY.... INCLUDING lust, idiot, AND YES, him.


him WAS PARTICULARILY DIFFECULT TO DELETE BUT I DID IT, BOTH NUMBERS IN FACT. YES I SENT A MEMO OUT ABOUT IT BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER WAS IT WAS TIME FOR him TO COME BACK ON HIS OWN WITHOUT ME. AS LONG AS HIS NUMBER WAS THERE IT WAS A CRUTCH, IT WAS TEMPTAION. IF I TRULY WAS DONE AND OVER him LIKE I SAID THAT I WAS THEN I NEEDED TO JUST BE DONE AND OVER WITH HIM. IF I MEAN SOMETHING TO him HE WILL CONTACT ME.


AS FOR THE OTHER NUMBERS... lust NEEDED TO GO BECUASE WE JUST ARE GOING NO WHERE BUT GETTING ATTACHED AND IRRITABLE OFF NOTHING. idiot JUST NEEDED TO END HONESTLY


THE ONLY OTHER THING THAT THIS WHOLE REJECTION THAT new prospect DID WAS GIVE ME THE GUTS TO TELL secret HOW I FELT AND THAT I WANTED TO BE WITH HIM.... IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANYSENSE FOR ME TO TALK TO HIM FOR NO REASON AND FOR NO PURPOSE.... MOREOVER IT DOESN'T MAKE ANYSENSE FOR ME TO HAVE A BUNCH OF GUYS THAT I DON'T LIKE AROUND ME AND NOT TO TELL THE ONE THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE THAT I DO.


SO BY THE END OF ALL OF THESE MESSAGES A LOT OF PEOPLE HADN'T REPLIED TO ME.... SOME WONDERED WHY WE WEREN'T GOING TO BE TALKING ANYMORE (I JUST NEED SPACE AND MORE IMPORTANTLY SOME PEOPLE ARE THERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS) medlor FOUGHT IT BUT IN THE END WHO KNOWS... WITH secret I HAVE NO IDEA... BUT ONE THING I DO KNOW


RIGHT NOW A MAN IS THE LAST THING THAT I NEEDED TO WORRY ABOUT NOW

WHY BOTHER (secret SMILEZ)

I STARTED TO POST A LETTER I WROTE him UP HERE... AND HONESTLY STILL MIGHT...

BUT 4 TIMES A LADY CAME ON....

AND ALL I COULD DO WAS SMILE THINKING ABOUT YOU... I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE HURT ANYMORE CUZ I HAVE secret AND RIGHT NOW... IT MIGHT NOT BE EVERTHING
BUT ITS EXACTLY WAT WAS NEEDED TO REMIND ME THAT THERE IS JUST BETTER THAN him THERE ALWAYS WAS

SO WHY BOTHER TO PUT him OUT THERE JUST YET

ADDICTED: KERRY HILSON'S ENERY

I'M DEDICATING THIS SONG TO him BECAUSE THIS IS EXACTLY WAT YOU DID TO ME....


Artist: Keri Hilson
Album: Unknown
Title: Energy

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory
Cuz I put to much energy in him and me
Can't wait till I get through this phase
Cuz its killing me
To bad we can't re-write our own history

Such a mystery when hes here with me
It's hard to believe I'm still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out
This ain't how its supposed to be

I'm having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy
We gotta re-reverse the chemistry
I don't want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy
Energy, My Energy
Taking all my energy
Energy, My Energy

Seems only like yesterday, Not even gravity
Could keep your feet off the ground when u go to me
How can two be as one
We've become to divided now
Theres no use hiding from my misery

Such a mystery when hes here with me
It's hard to believe I'm still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out

This ain't how its supposed to be

I'm having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy (Oh, Yeah)
We gotta re-reverse the chemistry (We gotta re-)
I don't want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energyEnergy, My Energy
Taking all my energy (Energy)
Energy (Energy), My Energy (Energy)
Taking all of
Taking all of (my energy)

Cause your taking all of my energy
I'm having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy
We gotta reverse the chemistry
I don't want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy

I'm having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy (Oh)
We gotta reverse the chemistry (Oh, Oh)
I don't want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy (Energy)
Energy (Energy), My Energy (Oh)
Taking all my energy (Oh-Oh)
Energy, My Energy (Taking all of me)
Taking all of

Ya killing me
Ya taking all of me yeah, oh
This love is taking all of my energy

him

IM FEELING MY HEART START TO SWIRLL DOWN A DRAIN AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.... YOU SEE THIS LOVE I'VE HAD FOR YOU HAS KEPT MY HEART FROM BEING BLUE FOR SO LONG IT BECAME A GLACIER AS SOON AS I SAID IM THRU.


ITS SAD CUZ I KNOW THAT I NEED THINGS TO END.... IF FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN TO TRY TO LIVE... EVEN THO I ALREADY FEEL DEAD.... CUZ IT WAS THAT HOPE THAT ONE DAY THIS DREAM WOULD ONE DAY COME TRUE.

SEE ITS CRAZY CUZ THE FIRST TIME I THOUGHT I WAS IT TURNED OUT TO BE PUPPY LOVE.... THE SECOND TIME IT WAS JUST FRIENDS, AND THE THIRD TIME WAS SUCH A DIASTER I DIDN'T C Y I SHOULD TRY EVER AGAIN.... BUT THEN I SAW YOU AND I BELIEVED IN LOVE AGAIN.



TO BAD I WAS WRONG... SOO WRONG... I WAS TOOK FROM YOU FROM JUMP AND IT WAS ALL LIES... I SHOULDA KNEW THAT SOMEONE LIKE YOU WAS TOO FAR OUTTA MY REACH.... SHOULDA NEVER LET MYSELF THINK THAT I DESERVED SOMEONE LIKE U....


I WOULD HAVE WAITED FOREVER AND A LIFE TIME AFTER THAT AS LONG AS I KNEW THAT IN THE END I WOULD BE WITH YOU. WAS WILLING TO WALK AWAY FROM A RING AND ANY OTHER GOOD MAN JUST TO HAVE YOU HOLD ME AND SAY I LOVE U TOO.


ITS HARD TO ENJOY THE SUN WHEN INSIDE I FEEL LIKE A TEMPEST THAT JUST WONT STOP. AND SMILING JUST ISN'T THE SAME WITHOUT THAT SECRET SMILE FROM A CONVERSATION THE NIGHT BEFORE.

I TOLD YOU BEFORE THAT I GAVE YOU MY HEART THE KEY TO IT AND DIDN'T WANT IT BACK... I HATE SAYING THAT I WANT IT BACK NOW BECAUSE I KNOW THAT EVEN THOUGH I'LL BE HOLDING IT IN MY HANDS AGAIN I KNOW THAT IT WON'T EVER BE WHOLE AGAIN AND IT WIL ALWAYS HAVE HOLES THROUGHOUT IT FROM WHERE YOU TOUCHED IT.


I DON'T KNOW WHETER TO JUST FUCK THE PAIN AWAY BECAUSE I KNOW IT WON'T MEAN ANYTHING BECAUSE IT WON'T BE LIKE IT WAS WITH US. NO ONE HAS MADE TIME STOP AND ME FEEL LIKE ONE OF THOSE GIRLS IN THE MOVIES. DOESN'T MATTER HOW GOOD IT IS IT STILL WASN'T WITH YOU CUZ THAT'S WAT MADE IT AS GREAT AS IT WAS.


THE TEARS ARE STEADY NOW CUZ ITS REALLY SINKING IN... YOU NEVER MEANT IT... YOU NEVER REALLY CARED... YOU COULD THROUGH ME LIKE A RAG DOLL WHILE I CHERISHED YOU LIKE A TREASURE.... THINKING ABOUT HOW MANY TIMES AND HOW MANY NAMES AND HOW MANY THINGS I'M NOT. BEFORE IT USED TO MAKE ME WANT TO BE BETTER AND KNOW IT JUST MAKES ME SICK I'M TRYING TO COMFORT MYSELF BUT IT'S NOT WORKING BECAUSE I KNOW THAT ITS NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING.


SOME OF YOU ARE SAYING GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON CUZ THERE'S SOMEONE BETTER... BUT YOU DON'T GET IT THAT WAS MY SOMETHING BETTER. THAT WAS MY LIST THAT WAS....

SEE WHEN YOU LIVE THROUGH THE WORST TO GET THE BEST TO FIND OUT THAT IT DOESN'T WANT YOU MAKES YOU FEEL WORSE THAN THE WORST TIMES 7 TIMES 7.


MY BODY EVEN FEELS COLD RIGHT NOW.... AND AS MUCH AS IM TRYING TO FIGHT BECOMING A SHELL I ALREADY FEEL IT STARTING....


MAYBE I SHOULD JUST LET THIS FEELING TAKE OVER.... AFTER ALL WHAT ELSE IS THERE???? SINCE THERE'S NO HIM...