THE SILVER LINING OF REJECTION

SOOOO YESTERDAY I GOT TO SPEND SOMETIME WITH new prospect, WHICH WAS COOL. BUT SEXUALLY FRUSTRATING.... ORIGINALLY HE WAS SUPPOSSED TO COME BACK BY BY BUT OF COURSE BECAUSE HE IS THE ULTIMATE FLUKE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.


SO ME BEING LAME OLE ME I DECIDED TO TEXT HIM BEING CUTE.


A: I WANT YOU

NP: WHY?

A: CUZ I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE SILLY

NP: WHY? WAT MAKES YOU WANT ME?

A: CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF I LIKE THE IDEA OF BEING WITH YOU.

NP: WELL I DON'T THINK ITS A GOOD IDEA.

A: UMM WOW

A: OK... I GUESS. IM SORRY I WASTED YOUR TIME


CONFUSED AND BEWILDERED I LAID IN MY BED THEN CURLED INTO A BALL. WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED? MORE IMPORTANTLY WHAT THE HECK LED TO ALL OF THIS BECAUSE I CERTAINLY DIDN'T KNOW. A PART OF ME WAS ACTUALLY SAD AT THIS POINT BECAUSE I THE KID WAS ACTUALLY STARTING TO GROW ON ME....


AS I BEGAN TO BEAT MYSELF UP OVER THIS WHOLE CONFUSING INCIDENT I BEGAN TO GET CALMER AND CALMER AND MADDER AND MADDER.


WHAT WAS SOO WRONG WITH ME?

WHY DOES STUFF JUST NOT WORK AT ALL?


MAYBE I NEED TO TAKE A BREAK.... YEAH ITS TIME TO TAKE A BREAK.... IS TIME TO MAKE A CLEAN BREAK.


SO A SINGLE TEXT MESSAGE WAS SENT TO CERTAIN PEOPLE.

A: I CAN'T TALK TOYOU ANYMORE


ABOUT 13 PEOPLE IN MY PHONE GOT THAT MESSAGE. ANOTHER TWO GOT MORE PERSONALIZED VERSIONS:


A: I CAN'T PRETEND ANYMORE... THIS THING WITH US ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE -medlor

A: YOU AND I WILL NEVER BE BACK TOGETHER.... I KNOW YOU DON'T LOVE ME.- idiot


SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T EVEN GET THE BENEFIT OF A TEXT MESSAGE THEY JUST GOT DELETED FROM MY PHONE COMPLETELY.... INCLUDING lust, idiot, AND YES, him.


him WAS PARTICULARILY DIFFECULT TO DELETE BUT I DID IT, BOTH NUMBERS IN FACT. YES I SENT A MEMO OUT ABOUT IT BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER WAS IT WAS TIME FOR him TO COME BACK ON HIS OWN WITHOUT ME. AS LONG AS HIS NUMBER WAS THERE IT WAS A CRUTCH, IT WAS TEMPTAION. IF I TRULY WAS DONE AND OVER him LIKE I SAID THAT I WAS THEN I NEEDED TO JUST BE DONE AND OVER WITH HIM. IF I MEAN SOMETHING TO him HE WILL CONTACT ME.


AS FOR THE OTHER NUMBERS... lust NEEDED TO GO BECUASE WE JUST ARE GOING NO WHERE BUT GETTING ATTACHED AND IRRITABLE OFF NOTHING. idiot JUST NEEDED TO END HONESTLY


THE ONLY OTHER THING THAT THIS WHOLE REJECTION THAT new prospect DID WAS GIVE ME THE GUTS TO TELL secret HOW I FELT AND THAT I WANTED TO BE WITH HIM.... IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANYSENSE FOR ME TO TALK TO HIM FOR NO REASON AND FOR NO PURPOSE.... MOREOVER IT DOESN'T MAKE ANYSENSE FOR ME TO HAVE A BUNCH OF GUYS THAT I DON'T LIKE AROUND ME AND NOT TO TELL THE ONE THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE THAT I DO.


SO BY THE END OF ALL OF THESE MESSAGES A LOT OF PEOPLE HADN'T REPLIED TO ME.... SOME WONDERED WHY WE WEREN'T GOING TO BE TALKING ANYMORE (I JUST NEED SPACE AND MORE IMPORTANTLY SOME PEOPLE ARE THERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS) medlor FOUGHT IT BUT IN THE END WHO KNOWS... WITH secret I HAVE NO IDEA... BUT ONE THING I DO KNOW


RIGHT NOW A MAN IS THE LAST THING THAT I NEEDED TO WORRY ABOUT NOW

REFLECTIONZ: UNTITLED

SO WITHOUT ANY SHADOW OF A DOUBT THIS PAST WEEKEND HELL THIS PAST WEEK HAD TO HAVE BEEN THE MOST TAXING AND TIME CONSUMING ONE IN A LONG TIME (THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I NEED TO BLOG ABOUT ITS NOT FUNNY.... BE PATIENT)....
A LOT OF THINGS CHANGED AND EVEN MORE LIGHT BULBS CAME ON FOR ME.

BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING I FIGURED SOMETHING OUT ABOUT MYSELF... ITS OKAY TO BE ALONE AND TO FLY FOR YOURSELF

SOL FOOD 11/7

BEING POPULAR IS GREAT BUT BEING LOVED FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND NOT SOME FAKE DOLL IS EVEN BETTER...

I MIGHT NOT RULE MYSPACE BUT AT LEAST THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME DO FOR ME NOT FOR SOME LAME GAY FAKE SHIT

WHAT k GAVE ME

SO I WAS SENDING OUT PROMOTIONAL TEXTS TODAY FOR MY CLUB AND REALIZED SOMETHING... I HADN'T TALKED TO k SINCE COMING BACK HOME SUNDAY... AND REALLY HADN'T CARED WHETHER I HAD OR HADN'T. HE JUST DIDN'T EXIST ANYMORE.... NOT ONLY DID HE JUST NOW EXIST ANYMORE IT JUST STOPPED HURTING.

THE ONLY THING THAT I FEAR IS THAT IN THE PROCESS I STOPPED CARING ABOUT WANTING SOME ONE TO MAKE ME HAPPY OR BE WITH ME.... TO ME THERE REALLY IS JUST NO POINT... AND AT THE END OF THE DAY WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT I REALLY AM JUST TOOO BUSY AND TOO DRIVEN TO DO OTHER THINGS TO BE ABLE TO THINK ABOUT HAVING SOMEONE ELSE AND REALLY BEING ABLE TO PUT THE TIME INTO AND ENJOY A RELATIONSHIP.


ITS FUNNY BECAUSE I WAS SOOOOO PISSED THAT ONCE AGAIN ANOTHER GUY HAD LET ME DOWN AND JUST DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME AND NOW I JUST WANT TO GO BACK AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ALL OF MY TALENTS AND GIFTS AND LIVE FULLY WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT HAVING ANYONE.

SOME OF YOU READING THIS MIGHT SAY THAT IT'S ME GIVING UP.... BUT I'M NOT I'M JUST REALIZING THAT AT THIS STAGE IN MY LIFE I NEED TO FINISH DEVELOPING MY INNER SELF AND MY GIFTS AS MUCH AS I CAN AND THAT EVENTUALLY MAYBE SOMEBODY WILL TAKE NOTE OF THAT AND THINK THAT IT IS SPECIAL ENOUGH TO PURSUE.

AND k IF YOU ARE READING THIS.... I REALLY DID PUT MY TRUST IN YOU AND WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT YOU BEING A GOOD AND REAL PERSON. YOU LEAD ME OUT ON THE CLIFF SAYING TRUST YOU AND ITS OK AND THEN PUSHED ME OFF AND TURNED YOUR BACK.... YOU ASKED ME TO LIE TO ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS WHEN WE BOTH KNEW IT WAS WRONG. YOU USED ME FOR YOUR OWN PLEASURE AND GAIN AND HONESTLY I'M GLAD YOU GOT TO SEE HOW A REAL WOMAN TREATS A REAL MAN BUT EVEN HAPPIER THAT YOU NEVER FULLY GOT YOURS. EVEN MORE I REALIZED THAT YOU TURNED ME ON MYSELF ALL JUST FOR POINTLESSNESS AND FOOLISHNESS. BUT STILL I THANK YOU. I THANK YOU THAT YOU GAVE ME BACK ME BY DESTROYING ME. YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT SO I COULD REMEMBER THE THINGS THAT GAVE ME LIFE AND THAT DIDN'T REQUIRE YOU OR ANYONE ELSE FOR. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME BACK MY MUSIC, MY LOVE OF THE GAME, ME CREATIVE EYE, MY YEARNING FOR THE PERFECT SHOT, AND MOST OF ALL THAT SENSE THAT NOTHING CAN STOP ME AS LONG AS I STAY TRUE TO MYSELF.

One mind one heart one voice one soul. One person speaks a word that plants an idea into another's soul that blooms into a beautiful concept and reality that is seen and spread throughout the world. And by one speaking another listening and sharing and by it gong forth in repetition we spread this Anjlik Sol.....