Reflectionz: If It Isnt

I don't feel right anymore... I can truly say that it's not there anymore

The warm feeling is gone, so is the great sense of safety. Honestly right now all that's there is a question of did I do all this in vain?

Did I give myself to someone that really didn't want it. You say all the things that prove you aren't just saying things to me and look at what you do.....

But there are still questions that you avoid answering... The ones I need answered the most.


If this isn't real.... Then what is it? Do I even want to find out.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

REFLECTIONZ: talk

SOOO..... ABOUT A WEEK AGO I SAW talk ON MY WAY TO WORK..... EVEN DEBATED BACK TRACKING TO GO TO TALK TO HIM.... BUT OF COURSE I DIDNT







EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT HITTING HIM UP ON TWITTER BUT HE'S NEVER ON SO IT WAS KIND OF A MUTE POINT

REFLECTIONZ:

THE PAST COUPLE DAYS I'VE BEEN SITTING BACK TRYING TO PLACE PEOPLE AND THINGS INTO CATEGORIES...

SERIOUS
TOYS
BUISNESS
FRIEND
FAKE
NESSCARY
INDULGENCES



AND WHAT'S SCARY IS THAT CERTAIN PEOPL ARE BEING PLACED INTO CATEGORIES THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN BUT ARE BECAUSE IM SEEING REALITY.


I ALREADY SEE THE HEARTBREAK THATS COMMING AROUND THE CORNER. I CAN TELL THAT THIS ISN'T WHAT YOU REALLY WANT AND YOU TAKE ME ABOUT AS SERIOUSLY AS A PERSON DOES THE TICKLE OF A FLY.


HERE I AM AGAIN.... LOOKING OUT FROM THE MOUTAIN I SEE THE HURT IVE BEEN THROUGH AND THE BULLSHIT I CLIMBED UP AND THE CLIMB DOWN TO HAPPINESS JUST SEEMS SOO LONG....


SOOO LONG

REFLECTIONZ:.....

SO THIS MORNING I HAD A DREAM THAT SCARED THE CRAP OUTTA ME..... I SWORE UP AND DOWN THAT THERE WAS A DEMON, THE LITTLE MONSTER FROM feast, THE DIBOLUK FROM unborn, AND THE RABBIT FROM donnie darko WHERE IN MY ROOM TRYING TO ATTACK ME......



THE WEIRD PART WAS THAT IT WASN'TTHAT I OCULD NESSCARILY SEE THEM ITS THAT I COULD SENSE THEM IN MY ROOM.... IT WAS RIGHT AFTER SEX..... ALMOST AS IF THEY WERE WAITING AND HOPING FOR SOMETHING......


IT SENT ME INTO A PANIC ATTACK AND MADE ME CALL MY MOM..... BUT STILL I REALLY WONDER.....

REFLECTIONZ: MOTORCYCLE RIDING

SO IF ANY OF YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER (YES I HAVE A TWITTER... CLICK THE BOX ON THE RIGHT) YOU KNOW THAT THIS WEEKEND I WENT MOTORCYCLE RIDING.


CRAZY YES I KNOW BUT I GUESS I NEEDED TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY.

I HAD A LOT OF FUN THE SECOND TIME... THE FIRST TIME I'LL ADMIT I WAS SO MUCH MORE PREOCUPIED WITH BEING SCARED AND HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE.



FIRST TRIP WAS FROM DOWNTOWN TO OLD TOWN AND BACK WITH hmm (BECAUSE EVERYTIME I THINK ABOUT HIM ALL I CAN THINK IS HMMM) WHICH WAS SCARY I WILL ADMIT.


SECOND TRIP WAS FROM MY HOUSE DOWNTOWN WHICH WAS 2.5 TIMES THE DISTANCE OF THE FIRST TRIP BOTH WAYS... I HAD FUN AND HAVE TO ADMIT I WANT A BIKE...


BUT hmmm THE JURY IS STILL OUT

REFLECTIONZ: rookie

OMG SO RIGHT NOW IM LISTENING TO "BOTTLE POPPIN" (YUNG JOC AND GORRILLA ZOE) AND I JUST HAD THE WORLDS GREATEST FLASH BACK...


SOOOOOO A WHILE BACK I WAS WORKING IN AN AFTER PARTY AT A CLCUB AND MET rookie. HE WAS REALLY LEARY TO TELL ME WHAT HE DID BUT JUDGING FROM THE PEOPLE HE WAS CHILLEN WITH IN THE CLUB THAT NIGHT I KNEW HE WAS AN ATHLETE OR IN THE ENTOURAGE.... (TURNED OUT TO BE AN ATHLETE BY THE WAY)



ANYWAYS WHEN I WAS ON MY WAY TO MY CAR HE CAUGHT UP WITH ME AND GOT MY NUMBER. WE TEXTED AND TALKED FOR A FEW DAYS.... AND DECIDED THAT WE WOULD HANG OUT ONE DAY.


THAT DAY JUST HAPPENED TO BE THE ONE OF MY HOLY GRAIL DAYS... OPENING DAY OF THE LOS ANGELES LAKER SEASON.


NORMALLY I WOULD HAVE RESCHEDULED AND JUST CAUGHT UP WITH HIM LATER BUT HE OFFERED TO WATCH THE GAME WITH ME AT HIS HOUSE. TURNED OUT TO BE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA.... CONSIDERING HIS PLASMA 50 SOMETHING INCH FLAT SCREEN THAT WITH HD THAT WE WATCHED IT ON.


NEEDLESS TO SAY I WAS IN HEAVEN....


WHY DID THE SONG REMIND ME OF HIM??? WELL WHEN I WATCH LAKER BASKETBALL I HATE PEOPLE WHO TALK OR WHO INTERUPT MY CONCENTRATION ESPECIALLY ON OPENING DAY.... WELL THIS IDIOT DECIDED TO DO THE FIRST FEW LINES OF GORRILLA ZOE'S PART RIGHT IN MY EAR AS I WAS WATCHING THE GAME...


THE LOOK THAT I SHOT HIM WAS DEATH TIMES ABOUT 70K AND HE JUST SCOTTED OVER AND LET ME GO BACK TO THE GAME...


(OH AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE WONDERING YES THERE WAS SOME MAKING OUT AND FONDLING THAT WENT ON DURRING HALF TIME AND AFTER THE GAME)


I LOST TOUCH WITH rookie (AT ONE POINT HE HAD A GIRL BUT SOME OF MY INSIDE SOURCES TOLD ME THAT HE ACTUALLY STARTED MESSING AROUND WITH THIS CHIK I USED TO KICK IT WITH) BUT HE WAS FAIRLY CUTE AND I HAVE TO ADMIT ONE SEXY ASS REFECTION TO END MY DAY AT WORK ON.

REFECTIONZ: UNTITLED (THE RAIN)

RIGHT NOW IM JUST ON MY FOCUS.... I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL ANYMORE....

ITS CRAZY HOW THE RAIN AFFECTS ME.... LIKE I REALLY NEEDED TO JUST BE OUT IN THE RAIN OR SOMETHING... CUZ FEELING IT COME DOWN, DRIVIN IN IT, AND JUST WATCHIN IT MADE EVERYTHING ALL BETTER... SERIOUSLY

NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE.... NOTHING... I'M JUST DRIVEN... DRIVEN TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES


.... EVER THE EPITOME OF A PHOENIX... DYING TO ONE LIFE TO BE REBORN STRONGER IN ANOTHER

REFLECTIONZ: dreamer

IT AMAZES ME HOW NOW THAT IVE TAKEN THIS FUCK YOU TOO ATTITUDE WITH GUYS HOW EASY IT IS TO GET OVER THEM AND NOT EVEN PROCESS THEM AT ALL.


SO LETS CALL THIS GUY.... dreamer..... HE HAD BEEN TRYING TO TALK TO ME FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS... AND REAL TALK DUDE HAD A GREAT MOUTH PIECE ON HIM. BUT I KEPT THE GUARD UP, TOLD HIM THAT IT SOUNDS GOOD BUT I'LL SEE WHAT HOW TRUE TO FORM HE REALLY IS (WHICH OF COURSE HE INSISTED THAT HE WAS)


IF YOU REMEMBER new prospect I HAVE A REALLY BIG PET PIEVE WITH PEOPLE WHO CANCEL FOR NO REASON.... ITS JUST RUDE AND IRRITATING. dreamer WAS SUPPOSSED TO COME OVER THURSDAY.... THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.... I STAYED IN FRIDAY AND HE MYSTERIOUSLY ENDED UP DRUNK BY 10 PM AND 3 HOURS AFTER THAT CALL WAS PISSED WHEN I SAID THAT HE COULD JUST STAY AT HOME AND NOT BOTHER TO COME BY (WHICH I EVEN RENIGGED AFTER HE SAID HE WAS "JUS GETTING OFF THE FREEWAY AND STILL NEVER SHOWED). SATURDAY HE WAS IN TEMECULA AND WAS SUPPOSSED TO BE BACK @ 930 CALLED AT 3AM TO TELL ME HIS SISTER WAS IN AN ACCIDENT (WHICH WASN'T A LIE) AND HE WAS AT THE HOSPITAL... BUT WE COULD GO TO THE ZOO SUNDAY (WHICH NEVER HAPPENED).


IT JUST WAS HILLARIOUS. SO OF COURSE SUNDAY I NEEDED A BREAK FROM MY ROOM AND WENT TO MY MOMS.... AND OF COURSE I SIGN ON TO MY AIM AND HE WAS ONLINE... BIG SURPRISE RIGHT. THIS IS AFTER HEARING THAT HE'S NOT WHERE EVER HE WAS ANYMORE AND IF HE CAME BACK HE'LL BE TOLD TO CALL ME.


SERIOUSLY I JUST KEPT MY RESPONSES SHORT SIMPLE AND QUAINT. dreamer IS THE WORST TYPE OF LIEING SON OF A SHIT FACED OTTER. HE'S THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO PRIDES HIMSELF ON BEING SUCH A GREAT MAN BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY ISN'T EVEN WORTH THE BREATH IT TAKES TO SAY HELLO ON THE PHONE.


IT REALLY DID JUST MAKE ME LAUGH.... CUZ THERE WAS NO HURT OR DISAPPOINTMENT.... IT WAS JUST FUNNY THAT HE REALLY TRIED TO COME AT ME LIKE THAT AND WASTE MY TIME.


I GUESS THE CLEANSE I WENT ON A FEW WEEKS AGO REALLY DID HELP.

REFLECTIONZ: BEING COMPETITIVE

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR OMG I FUCKIN SWEAR RIGHT NOW.... I HATE COMPETITION SOMETIMES....

SO AT WORK THE PAST MONTH WE WERE HAVING THIS FLOOR WIDE CONTEST FOR POINTS TO BID IN AN AUCTION THAT OCCURED TODAY.

OF COURSE I HAD A SUPPER OTTER FACED SHIT BERRY MONTH AND DIDN'T GET NEARLY THE AMOUNT OF POINTS THAT I FUCKING NEEDED TO GET THE itouch THAT I WANTED. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE ALL THE OTHER SMALL PRIZES THAT I WOULD'VE WANTED THAT THEY HAD AVAILABLE TO BID ON WENT BEFORE THE TOUCH (ALL OF WHICH I COULD'VE GOTTEN).

SO I WALKED AWAY WITH A DUCK SHARTIN STARBUCKS CARD... NOT THAT I'M KNOCKING STARBUCKS BUT FUCK I DON'T NEED IT. HONESTLY..... AND KNOW IM JUST DUCK FUCKIN SHARTING MADE AT MY LAME ASS SELF FOR NOT DOING BETTER LAST MONTH SO I COULD'VE GOT MY FUCKIN itouch....


BITCHASSNESS COMPETITIVE NATURE OF MINE... THIS IS WHY I DON'T LIKE TO GET INTO CONTESTS AT WORK BECAUSE WHEN I FUCKING DON'T WIN OR GET WAT I WANT I FUCKIN PISSED OFF.

FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

REFLECTIONZ: UNTITLED2

"SUPERHUMAN YOU DID THIS TO ME....."

YOU'RE MY KRYPTONITE.... NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY ITS NO USE. ITS CRAZY HOW I WAS MISSING YOU SO MUCH AND THEN YOU COMEBACK. LIKE I KNEW YOU WERE MISSING ME LIKE I DID YOU.

BUT DID I MESS IT UP, AND LOSE YOU AGAIN?

DO I EVEN WANT YOU BACK.

"MY ONLY WEAKNESS IS YOU, MY ONY REASON IS YOU"

"YOU CHANGED MY WHOLE LIFE... DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME..."


AND JUST NOW I STOPPED TO THINK ABOUT WHY IT STOPPED TO BEGIN WITH.... BECAUSE YOU MADE ME TO WEAK. I GUESS THERE IS A REAL HANCOCK STORY AFTER ALL

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I STILL FEEL YOU'RE PULL AND I WONDER IF I CAN RESIT IT.

I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYMORE BUT I CAN'T DENY THAT PART OF ME IS HURTING BEYOND REASON AND ALL EXISTANCE WITH YOU GONE.

REFELCTIONZ: BEING ALONE

TEXTING U IS CRAZY CUZ IT MAKES ME SMILE.... I'M CONTENT TO BE ALONE BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I WANT. AND TILL SOMEHTING COMES ALONE THATS BETTER FOR ME AND CHANGES & CAPTIVATES MY MIND THE WAY YOU DO... IM JUST GOING TO BE ALONE.


YEAH IM OKAY WITH THAT... ARE U?

REFLECTIONZ: UNTITLED

SO WITHOUT ANY SHADOW OF A DOUBT THIS PAST WEEKEND HELL THIS PAST WEEK HAD TO HAVE BEEN THE MOST TAXING AND TIME CONSUMING ONE IN A LONG TIME (THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I NEED TO BLOG ABOUT ITS NOT FUNNY.... BE PATIENT)....
A LOT OF THINGS CHANGED AND EVEN MORE LIGHT BULBS CAME ON FOR ME.

BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING I FIGURED SOMETHING OUT ABOUT MYSELF... ITS OKAY TO BE ALONE AND TO FLY FOR YOURSELF