Letters From the Sol: Tears (Because I'm healing)

Dear,

It's amazing how eventually you get over your withdrawl and cravings and they don't affect you.

I've been detoxing from you for two weeks and it just doesn't hurt or get to me anymore. It's like I know it's there but it has no effect on me. The only sadness that I feel is because it had to come to this... I don't even want to hear the why and the excuses cuz they just don't matter.

Face it you were wrong and instead of fixing it you hung yourself....

And I'm not crying over you I'm crying because I'm healing

Always,

- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

Letters From the Sol

Dear,

I want to ask myself sometimes why I even talk to you.... We are such different people and I still really don't know if you are the person for me....

Honestly it really does bother me... Because I haven't seen anyone like you be anything different then the stereotype. I don't want you to fit the mold but as we grow closer I get scared that you will.

And as scared as I am that you will disappoint me Im even more scared that me being gone will cause it.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: I'M TIRED

DEAR,


... I'M TIRED. I'M SURE YOU ARE. FLIP FLOP FLIP FLOP


..... I KNOW YOU WISH THAT THIS WAS JUST OVER


I DO.... FLIP FLOP





ITS CRAZY HAVING A PARASITE BE THIS CLOSE WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT..... DAMN YOU LOOK LIKE ME....


AND SO IT GOES DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE



FLIP FLOP

I'M TIRED

Letters From the Sol: Seen

Dear,

I never wanted to be seen until I as for the first time... But the girl in the reflection isn't me she's someone else....

I never wanted go back to being invisible till you stopped seeing me... But why does this reflection still look back at me?

I should be fading into the background but I'm still front and center... I never believed I was special but I let you convince me....

Now its all lies even when it's a the truth... The only truth is I'm only special to me... And to everyone else I'm just some person

I don't need to ask if you can hear me cuz I've simply stopped crying out... Don't need Superman cuz I'm no Louis Lane... No need to come in bo one needs to be saved

I'm just content to sit here and who knows... Maybe thats the best of being seen.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: WORTH

DEAR,

"I CAN HEAR YOUR HEART, CRYING OUT..." BUT I JUST DON'T THINK THAT ITS FOR ME. SEE YOURE SOOO BEYOND YOURSELF THAT I DON'T THINK YOU RECOGNIZE YOURSELF... SO RATIONAL YET A COMPLETE PSYCHOTIC BREAK COME TO LIFE.


I'M GLAD IT ENED UP BEING NOTHING... CUZ YOURE SOMETHINGS WOULD ONLY TURN INTO BAD THINGS FOR ME. YOU'RE INCAPABLE OF GIVING WHAT SOMEONE NEEDS AND ONLY CAPAPBALE OF PSEUDO-ORGANIC AFFECTION. SO SAD TO WATCH SOMETHING SO GREAT BE SO TARNISHED AND GO UNPOLISHED.



I HOPE THAT YOU CAN REALIZE YOUR WORTH BEFORE YOU'RE TRUELY WORTHLESS. AND YOU CAN KNOW WHAT ITY MEANS TO BE A REAL FRIEND AND FIND A REAL MATE.


ALWAYS

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: FOR YOU

DEAR,


I DON'T KNOW WHY TODAY I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU.... THOUGHT ABOUT US.... IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE....


IM OVER YOU IVE BEEN OVER YOU.... BUT TODAY I JUST WISH I COULD SEE YOUR FACE AND HEAR YOUR VOICE... JUST ONE LAST TIME I WISH THAT I COULD GO BACK TO BELIEVING THAT THE LIES WERE THE TRUTH.


I REALLY BELIEVED IN YOU WITH ALL THAT I HAD.... ALL I WAS.


SAD I WOULD HAVE GAVE UP SEEING THE WORLD IN MOTION FOR YOU,

SAD I WOULD HAVE WENT BLIND AND DEAF TO EVERYONE FOR YOU,

SAD I WOULD HAVE CHANGED ANYTHING ABOUT ME FOR YOU,

SAD I WAS WILLING TO WALK AWAY FROM THE AISLE FOR YOU.



I'LL NEVER FIND SOMEONE WHO WAS PERFECT FOR ME LIKE YOU WERE.... SO THERE IS NO USE IN LOOKING... IT WONT HAPPEN.



SAD THAT I KNOW THAT EVERYTHING YOU WERE TO ME I WASN'T FOR YOU

... YET I STILL TRIED TO BE


.... AND STILL LET YOU BE




ALWAYS,

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: UNTITLED (GOODBYE)

DEAR,

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I ACTUALLY SAID GOODBYE.... NOT GOODNITE... OR SEE YOU TOMORROW OR THE NEXT DAY, BUT GOODBYE.


IT FELT LIKE THE LAST BREATH OUT OF ME WENT WITH THAT WORD. I FELT THAT HOLE GROW IN MY CHEST AND EVERY FAUCETT IN MY EYES TURN ON.... HALF OF MY SCREAMED "NO DON'T DO IT!!!!!!" AND STILL PART SAID THIS IS FOR THE BEST.


I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU SO COLD, SO VOID, SO DISTANT... BEYOND MY REACH WOULD HAVE BEEN PUTTING IT NICELY BECAUSE I KNEW THAT I HAD JUST HURT SOMEONE THAT I CARED ABOUT.


BUT I CAN'T ASK YOU TO PUT ME ABOVE PART OF YOU. I CANT ASK YOU TO LET MAKING ME HAPPY MAKE YOU MISERABLE... ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU STILL DON'T KNOW IF YOU REALLY WANT ME AT THE END OF THE DAY.



IM NOT CRYING TODAY LIKE I THOUGHT I WOULD BE.... BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I DONT FEEL IT...



CRAZY HOW IM JUST SITTING HERE TAKING IT ALL IN.... BUT IN AN OD WAY IM OK... STILL I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE GONE I WANT YOU JUST HERE I WITH ME... BUT RIGHT NOW YOU CAN'T BE JUST HERE....



SO FOR NOW GOODBYE



AND HOPEFULLY THAT WILL TURN INTO A SEE YOU SOON, THEN MAYBE AN IM ON MY WAY TO YOU, AND MAYBE EVEN A KISS HELLO....

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: (UNTITLED)

DEAR





IM SO CONFUSED ABOUT EVERYTHING MY HEAD ACTUALLY WOULD LIKE TO EXPOLODE..... I KNOW THAT WE TALKED BUT THE FACT STILL REMAINS THAT A STILL SMALL VOICE INSIDE OF ME THINKS THAT YOU REALLY ARE DOING SOMETHING WITH HER....


I STILL AM MAD THAT YOU TOOK BACK WHAT YOUR ACTIONS MEANT AND GAVE THEM A NEW MEANING.... WHY I DON'T GET IT BUT HEY WHAT CAN A GIRL DO?


I REALLY WISH THAT I COULD TAKE BACK EVERY TIME THAT I SAID I CARED ABOUT YOU... EVERYTIME THAT I SAID I WAS HAPPY JUST BEING WITH YOU.... EVERYTIME I JUST EXHALED WITH RELIEF THAT I FELT SAFE WITH YOU.


I WISH I COULD TAKE BACK EVERY EVENT I BLEW OFF.... EVERY ACCOUNT I PASSED ON.... EVERY INCH AND BREATH OF MY EGO THAT I SUFFOCATED AND THREW AWAY.




I GIVE AND GIVE AND GIVE AND GIVE.... AND YOUR SUCHA A GREAT MAN BUT....???? I CAN'T HELP WONDERING WHY STRING ME ALONG OR PLAY HOUSE???


THEN IT DAWNED ON ME....


YOU STILL DON'T LIKE ME... YOU JUST LIKE THE SHELL THAT HOUSED THE EGO YOU HATED SO MUCH YOU KILLED

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: CHILL

DEAR,


SO WE JUST WERE SUPPOSSED TO CHILL? I DIN'T REALIZE THAT CHILL FOOLED EVERYONE ELSE INTO THINKING COUPLE.... HELL YOU FOOLED ME AND I BET FOOLED YOURSELF....



LOOK AT YOU FOR WHAT? SO I CAN CRY... SORRY I DON'T WANT TO.... IM TOO OLD TO BELIVE IN FAIRY TALES AND TRUST ME THERE IS NO SILVER LINING TO THIS.



CHILL WITH YOU IDK WHY I SHOULD... SO THAT IT CAN HURT MORE KNOWING HOW STUPID AS FUCK I AM.... OH IM SORRY I WAS PROBABLY JUST A GREAT FUCK... ON A LEVEL LIKE THE DRAKE SONG MAYBE BUT THEN AGAIN THAT DOESN'T MAKE A RELAY....


I CAN'T BELIEVE I FELL FOR THE OKIE DOKE LOOKED AT THE MONET AND SAW CLEAR PHOTOGRAPH....


REALLY THO SOO IT WAS ALL JUS CHILL??? YOU WANTING ME TO JUST TRUST YOU AND BE AROUND YOU.... YOU WANNA MAKE ME FEEL GOOD? FUCK FUCK FUCK MCFUCKLAND


ITS SAD THAT PART OF ME IS OK WITH ALL OF THIS... AFTER ALL YOUR JUST ANOTHER NAME TO ADD TO THE LIST..... JUST ANOTHER TEAR TO ADD TO MY WELL AND FURTHER PROOF THAT ALL I HAVE IS ME MYSELF AND MY HUSTLE...


IM LAUGHING RIGHT NOW TO CONCEAL IT ALL BUT DANG.... I GUESS I NEED TO STUDY WEBSTER'S MORE CUZ APPARTENTLY I DON'T KNOW MY DEFINITIONS...


BUT YOU WANTED TO STILL "CHILL" RIGHT??? SO I'M ASUMING THAT MEANS NO TOUCHING, KISSING, FUCKING, ANYTHING... RIGHT. I MEAN WE CAN DO THE ACTUAL DEFINITION OF CHILL...... SURE WE CAN SEE HOW THAT GOES I MEAN HOW CAN I BE MAD???


ITS NOT YOUR FAULT I DIDN'T KNOW THE DEFINITION... RATHER YOUR DEFINITION OF CHILL.

Letters from the sol

Dear

I wish I could just stop time and be with you. Stop every thought word breath and movement that wasn't us being together.

I wish u could hold my hand kiss my tears and pain away so I could just feel that joy I do with u.

To bad wishes .... My wishes don't come true

Always
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: ..... HMMM (mute)

DEAR,

....... HMMMM IM HONESTLY SPEACHLESS RIGHT NOW....



SERIOUSLY, ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, FOR SURE AND CERTAIN.... NO DOUBT IN MY MIND.


THAT CAME SO FAR FROM LEFT FEILD IT REALLY CAME FROM THE RIGHT.


YOU, I MEAN SERIOUSLY , YOU????? FALL FROM YOUR PEDISTOL??? TURN OUT TO BE JUST LIKE THE REST OF THESE djs AND LAMES??? DANG LIFE MUST BE SUPPER CRAZY AND MY SENSE OF THINGS MUST NEED TO BE RECALIBERATED A.S.A.P.


CUZ YOU'RE JUS WOW RIGHT NOW. I MEAN WOW..... I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I AM THROUGHLY AND COMPLETLY QUESTIONING EVERY SINGLE MALE IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW OFF THIS...


I MEAN IF YOU CAN BE LIKE THIS THEN..... DANG THATS JUST.....


JUST.....


..... HMMMM



ALWAYS,

ANJL

Letters from the Sol

Dear,

Time always repeats itself.... You see there is nothing under the sun..... The bad ones r still bad and the good ones always rott.


I've gotten to the point where I've stopped carrying faith and caring.


Why should I trust you? Why??? Everytime I've heard that phrase it means that your hurt will be worse than the one who didn't ask.... Everytime I've heard I'm different it's just been a new face. I'm not going to change always means just not right now....


Call me doubt but at what point r u supposeed to believe the thing that has always ended as a lie is the truth

Letters from the Sol: Dear one

Dear,

I know that these past weeks have proved interesting for u.... Many new faces, a few returning ones, challenges that you thought that you had already overcame, disappointment, little joy, and frustsrations.


You've been wondering where I was and why I've chosen not to be more present... U have more than enough to get through this on your own... The times of me stepping in in the midst of trouble r long over.... You need to be back at a point where u deal with things and can do so with the qualities u like that I have.


I know that it's tempting to just give up and go back but don't. You've already come so far and managed to grow do much.... The night is always darkest before the dawn and that's the true place where ure faith and character r tested.


Dear one the pain only will be for a short time and just as a phoenix rises from the ashes stronger than before you will too will rises...

" who knows what miracles you can achieve, when you believe?"

Dear one you can and will


Anjl

Letters From the Sol: I Miss U

Dear,

I'm laying here in my bed..... Which should be our bed alone and sad. Ure not here and with u so far away from me it's making me weak, making me doubt

Has someone else stolen ure heart away from me??? Or have u just forgotten me????


I would give anything for your touch ure kiss ure voice right now to ease my mind......

I'm just hoping that my faithfulness won't produce a chip in my heart.


"It's been too long and I'm lost without you what am I gonna do I've been needing you wanting you, wonderin if you're the same and who's been with you...."


I miss u

Always,

Anjl Marie

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: CATCH 22

DEAR


YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND..... AND I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING FOR YOU... BUY RIGHT NOW IM SOOOOO FRUSTRATED WITH YOU.



WHY AM I HIDING THINGS FROM YOU??? BECAUSE YOU OPENLY DON'T APPROVE AND I HATE DISAPPOINTING YOU. BUT THEN AGAIN YOU KNOW THAT. YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T LIKE FOR YOU TO BE MAD.


SURE I CAN SAY WHATEVER AND DO WHAT I WANT BUT WHAT TYPE OF FRIEND WOULD I BE TO YOU? I RESPECT YOUR OPPINION BUT CHECK IT IM HAPPY I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT IM HAPPY NOT MY EGO NOT MY BODY NOT ANYTHING BUT PLAIN OLE DORKY STUPID ME IS HAPPY.


AND MY HAPPINESS IS BEING KILLED KNOWING THAT YOURE UPSET



HE ASKED ME NOT TO TELL YOU WATS GOING ON. WAS I GOING TO LIE TO YOU IF YOU ASKED NO.... BUT TELL YOU NO IM SORRY YOUR CONFIDENCE ISN'T THE ONLY ONE THAT I NEED TO KEEP.


TWISTING SHIT TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I JUST WANTED TO SEE MY NIGGA.... NO THAT WASN'T IT.... I CAME UP WITH A SOLUTION TO A PROBLEM AS IT STOOD SO THAT EVERYONE COULD COME DO THERE THING AND ME NOT HOLD THEM BACK... OH YEA FYI THE WHOLE TIME I WAS GETTING IT FROM YOU, TRYING TO RUSH TO GET READY, STRESSIN OF MY WORK, AND EVERYTHING ELSE I HAD HIM ON THE PHONE UPSET THAT I WASN'T TRYING HARD ENOUGH TO FIND A WAY TO COME SEE HIM.


IT WAS SUCH A CATCH 22 IT WASN'T FUNNY.... AND NOW THE CATCH 22 THAT I'M IN IS RIDICUOULS


I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU OVER THIS CUZ ITS STUPID AND WE'RE BETTER THAN IT. BUT I DON'T WANT TO SACRAFICE MY HAPPINES EITHER. AND I'VE TOLD HIM THE SAME THING FOR THE RECORD.


YOU'RE TOOO IMPORTANT TO ME.... BUT THIS CRAZINESS HAS TO STOP. I'LL DO MY PART AND JUST TAKE ME OUTTA THE EQUATION AND DO A BETTER JOB OF JUST TELLING YOU EVERYTHING AND MAKING SURE THAT THE TWO DON'T CONFLICT BUT LETS NOT LET THIS KILL US.



YOURS,
ANJL MARIE

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: (UNTITLED) TO MY RAPIST

DEAR,

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I'M WRITING THIS TO YOU... BUT I THINK I NEED TO.


FOUR YEARS AGO YESTEREDAY YOU SHATTERED EVERY IMAGE OF WHAT A MAN WAS SUPPOSSED TO BE, A FRIEND WAS, AND HOW YOU SHOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE.


YOU WERE UPSET THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE THINGS ANOTHER TRY.... THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANYMORE, I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE ME. YOU MANIPULATED MY FRIEND, UR FRIEND, AND TOOK AND DESTROYED. YOU WERE HIGH AND DRUNK AND ENRAGED AND EVEN WANTED TO HIT ME, THREATENED TO HURT ME IF I SAID ANYTHING. THEN SAID THAT IT WAS BECAUSE YOU MISSED ME SO MUCH YOU JUST THOUGHT IF YOU MADE ME SEE....


I REMEMBER HOW WELL I HAD PLAYED IN MY GAME EARLIER THAT NIGHT.... HOW MY FRIEND WANTED ME TO COME VISIT.... HOW U KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE UP THERE AND THAT YOU JUST WANTED TO SHOW ME THAT YOU OVER NOT BEING TOGETHER AND MISSED YOUR FRIEND....


ITS CRAZY CUZ I WAS ACTUALLY HAPPY TO SEE YOU.... I WAS GLAD... TILL I SAW THAT YOU HADN'T CHANGED, SAME OLD CHRISTIAN, SAME BAD HABBITS, SAME TEMPER, STILL JUST NOT WILLING TO BE DIFFERENT.


THEN WE ENDED UP BACK AT THAT HOUSE.... I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT HOUSE, THAT ROOM. WALKING ARM AND ARM WITH MY FRIEND LAUGHING AND TELLING HIM HOW YOU HAD TRIED TO COME ONTO ME.... IT WAS DARK BLUE IRONIC I THOUGHT FOR A BLOOD... HOW TYPICAL OF A JOCK TO HAVE A HEIGHT BENCH IN THEIR BEDROOM... I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE CHRISTIAN WAS... I DIDN'T CARE. MY FRIEND TOLD ME HOW HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE JUST FRIENDS AND KISSED ME... I REMEMBER THINKING THAT I COULDN'T DO THAT TO CHRISTIAN DESPITE HOW MUCH I DIDN'T FEEL FOR HIM ANYMORE...


BUT MY FRIEND KEPT KISSING AND ENDEND UP ONTOP ME, YOU SEE I DIDN'T SEE YOU IN THE DOOR WAY. AND BEFORE I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING I WAS BEING HELD DOWN BY MY FRIEND AND YOU HAD REPLACED HIM ON TOP OF ME.


"DON'T MAKE A SOUND OR ELSE.... I WANT YOU."


I TRIED TO RESIST BUT MY FRIEND WAS MORE THAN TWICE MY SIZE AND HOLDING ME DOWN. MY PANTS CAME OFF AND YOU STARTED TO PENETRATE...


I SAID NO,

I SAID NO

PLEASE

PLEASE NO...


YOU DIDN'T CARE AND SAID SHUT UP AND TAKE IT....


AND I GAVE UP AND JUST STARTED TO CRY.... AND LOOKED UP AT WHO I THOUGHT WAS MY FRIEND HOLDING ME DOWN AND JUST SAID, "PLEASE JUST DON'T HURT ME, PLEASE.... Y?"


I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS ABOUT THAT PLEA THAT BROUGHT YOU OUT OF YOUR HIGH AND BACK TO SOBRIETY BUT MY FRIEND TRIED TO BE MY FRIEND AGAIN AND PUSHED U OFF CHRISTIAN, AND PULLED ME UP CRYING TO HIM.


I REMEMBER THAT I WAS SHAKING... AND STILL CRYING... MY FRIEND STARTED TO APPOLOGIZE AND SAY THAT HE SAID YOU WANTED A ROUGH THREESOME AND THAT I SAID IT WAS OK.... "I'M SORRY B I DIDN'T KNOW THAT HE WAS LYING"


"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING LAY THE BITCH BACK DOWN SO I CAN FINISH"


"STAY AWAY FROM HER"


"YOU'RE STICKING UP FOR HER SHE'S FUCKIN MINE SHE WANTED THIS SHIT STUPID ASS BITCH"


"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?" SOMEHOW MY STRENGTH HAD RETURNED TO ME. I WAS STANDING NEAR THE BAR.


"GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY FACE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I HIT YOU"


"CHRISTIAN JUST LEAVE JUST GO"


"NO THIS BITCH HAS THREE SECONDS BEFORE I BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA HER AND LAY HER BACK DOWN.... ONE"

"BLOOD JUST CHILL OUT."

"TWO"

I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THE WEIGHT IN HIS HAND OR HIM START TO SWING BUT MY FRIEND DID. IF HE HADN'T HAVE PUSHED YOU BACK INTO THE WALL IT WOULD HAVE KNOCKED ME TO THE TEMPLE AND I WOULD HAVE LANDED AGAINST THE BAR THEN THE BENCH AND BEEN OUT.


"CHRISTIAN FUCKIN LEAVE NOW GET THE FUCK OUT!! B I'M SORRY I DIDN'T THINK HE WOULD EVER DO THIS TOO YOU ITS OKAY I PROMISE I'LL MAKE SURE YOU GET BACK TO THE CAR SAFE."


I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING AFTER THAT EXCEPT THE WATER FROM THE SHOWER AND ME CURLED IN A BALL ON THE GROUND. I GOT UP FOUR TIMES THAT NIGHT TO TAKE A SHOWER.


10 MISSED CALLS 5 NEW VOICEMAILS 14 NEW TEXT MESSAGES


R U OK? I FEEL LIKE SOME THING'S WRONG

MY FRIEND (2)

CHRISTIAN (3)

ANTOTHER FRIEND (4)

ANSWER YOUR PHONE

TALK TO ME

TALK TO ME

B ITS ME I NEED TO TALK TO YOU

TELL ANYONE AND I'M COMMING AFTER YOU

my heart (1)

"HEY B ITS ME cbr CALLED WORRIED ABOUT YOU AND THOUGHT THAT YOU MIGHT BE HERE IS EVERYTHING OK CALL ME BACK"


APPARENTLY A WHOLE WEEKEND PASSED



MONDAY I WAS IN CLASS TRANSCRIBING LYRICS INTO ONE OF MY BOOKS AND IT HIT ME THAT IT WASN'T JUST A NIGHTMARE.... AND I STARTED TO SHAKE AND SWEAT.... I WAS HYPERVENTALATING.... GOING INTO SHOCK.


I DIDN'T FINISH CLASS THAT DAY


"FRIEND DID THIS REALLY HAPPEN OR WAS IT A DREAM"

"IT DID... DID YOU CALL THE COPS YOU CAN'T I DON'T WANT TO GO DOWN FOR THAT TOO PLEASE... YOU'RE MY FRIEND.... AND CHRISTIAN SAID HE'D HAVE YOU KILLED."


AND AS I HUNG UP THE PHONE I TRIED TO FORGET IT... IT EVER HAPPENED. AND TO A DEGREE I DID. I SAW YOU AGAIN CHRISTIAN AND I KNOW YOU TRIED TO COME AND GET ME.... BUT I WAS PROTECTED THEN....


MORE TIME HAS PASSED I'M SURE TO YOU IT SEEMS LIKE SOMETHING THAT WASN'T THAT BIG OF A DEAL TO YOU AND ITS JUST SOME DISTANT MEMORY. BUT FOR ME IT STILL STINGS.... IT STILL CARRIES A SCAR.


I CAN'T GET TOOO CLOSE TO MY GUY FRIENDS CUZ I HAD ONE COMMIT THE ULTIMATE BETRAYL...


I'M AFRAID TO NOT GIVE SOMEONE WHAT THEY WANT.... CUZ THEY MIGHT TAKE IT ONE DAY....


AND I STILL SOMETIMES TAKE SHOWERS BECAUSE I FEEL NOT QUITE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.


STILL CAN'T QUITE FEEL TOTALLY SAFE WITH ANYONE.



SO WHY WRITE YOU KNOW? CUZ FOUR YEARS LATER I UNDERSTAND THAT BECAUSE OF THAT HORRIBBLE NIGHT I STARTED TO REINVENT MYSELF TO HIDE THE SCARS... AND IN THE PROCESS I FOUND HOW STRONG AND BOLD AND GREAT I AM...


SO THANK YOU.... I KNOW YOU JUST THINK YOU HURT ME.... BUT I AM WHERE I AM CUZ YOU DECIDED TO TRY TO DESTROY ME.... I GUESS YOU COULD SAY IT WAS THE FIRST FLIGHT FOR THIS phoenix

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: I CRIED

***I KNOW THAT I'VE HAD A LOT OF LETTERS FROM THE SOL LATELY BUT THATS JUST BEEN HOW ITS BEEN, CALL ME A COWARD FOR NOT TELLIN THESE PEOPLE TO THEIR FACE BUT THIS WAY IS JUST EASIER***


DEAR,


I CRIED INSIDE MYSELF, AS SOON AS I HEARD YOUR VOICE. I DID A GOOD JOB OF NOT DOING IT THE WHOLE TIME WE TALKED..... I KNEW SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT. I COULD SENSE IT.


AND AS THE CONVERSATION WENT ON YOUR WORDS WERE DROWNED OUT BY THE STORM INSIDE ME AND I LOST MY VOICE.


YEAH I KNOW THAT I WAS TOO CONTENT TO GET OFF THE PHONE.... AND AS SOON AS I DID THEY BEGAN TO FALL INSIDE OUT. IT JUST HURT WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY.

ANOTHER SET OF BROKEN EXPECTATIONS AND PROMISES.... AND A FEW MORE TEARS FELL


AND NO MATTER HOW TIGHT I GRIPPED MY BLANKET OR BURRIED MY FACE IN MY PILLOW IT DIDN'T HELP.


AND AS I FELL ASLEEP TO THE SOUND OF TEARS HITTING MY PILLOW I CRIED IN MY DREAMS....


WHEN I WOKE UP I THOUGHT IT HAD BEEN JUST A BAD DREAM.... THEN I SAT DOWN TO LISTEN TO SOME MUSIC AND THOUGHT......


I CRIED.....

I CRIED OVER YOU......

I DON'T KNOW WHY I EXPECTED MORE BUT I CRIED.....

AND I PUT MY MASK BACK ON AND SIMPLY VOWED TO NEVER SAY AGAIN THAT I CRIED....


SO THANK YOU..... BECAUSE I OFFICIALLY DON'T BELIEVE ANYMORE.... EVER SINCE I CRIED


A.MARIE

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: TOO MUCH?

DEAR


IM SITTING HERE A FEW DAYS AFTER YOU JUST STOPPED ACTING LIKE I EXISTED AND IM STILL SOOOO CONFUSED.... SEE EVERYTHING WAS GREAT TILL I GAVE INTO MYSELF... I WAS JUST BEING ME... AND SO FUCKIN WHAT I LIKE TO KISS...


RIGHT?


SEE IM SOOOOO FUCKIN PISSED FROM THREE WAYS FROM THIS ENIGMA ITS STARTING TO EAT AT ME.

1. I SHOULDA KNOWN BETTER AND NOT EVEN SUCOMB TO TELLING YOU THAT I WAS INTO YOU.... DON'T BE YOURSELF PLAY IT COOL AND STICK TO YOUR EGO... DON'T BE ATTAINABLE UNTIL ITS HOOK LINE AND SINKER. WHY GIVE YOURSELF AWAY KNOWINGLY OR NOT BECAUSE IT KILLS THE CHASE AND OPENS YOURSELF UP TO HURTS THAT YOU KNOW THAT YOU AREN'T READY FOR AND DONT WANT.
2. YOU ARE SOOOO OMG... YOU INSISTED THAT I BE HONEST WHY WOULD YOU WANT MY HONESTY AND WANT ME TO NOT HOLD BACK ONLY TO SIT ON YOUR PHONE AND TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH IT TURNED YOU OFF??? MAKE UP YOUR MIND I'M NOT A YO YO.... OR ANY OBJECT FOR THAT MATTER IM A FUCKING PERSON THAT HAS FEELINGS.... YOURE NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS BEEN HURT AND IF YOU HATED BEING FUCKED UP SO MUCH WHY FUCK WITH ME???? IF YOU DON'T WANT AFFECTION WHY FUCKING LAY NEXT TO ME YOU SHOULDA JUST KEPT YOUR DISTANCE UNTIL YOU UNPOLARIZED YOURSELF... I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING AND NOW IM WONDERING IF I WENT CRAZY LIKE A MIDSUMMER NIGHTS DREAM AND JUST NEED TO WAKE UP.
3. THE SITUATION JUST DOESN'T MAKE SINCE CUZ OF THE UNKOWN AND THAT THING I SWEAR I KEEP SEEING IN THE DARK THAT I KNOW I DON'T WANT TO SEE.

LIKE A DOG CHASING HIS TAIL WHO CATCHES IT I DONT KNOW WHAT EMOTION TO FEEL. ms counting WOULD JUS SAY FUCK IT AND MOVE ON TO NOT JUST THE NEXT BUT TO PROBABLY SOMEONE SPECIFIC ENOUGH TO IRRITATE. THEN A TRUE phoenix WOULD RISE ABOVE ALL OF THE CRAP AND LEARN FROM IT, FIX IT, AND LET HIM CHOOSE. v SAYS JUST WANTS TO BURRY MYSELF IN MY WORK AND BE UNATTAINABLE PERMANTLY. THEN THERE'S THE PERSON WHO JUST WANTS TO MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER AND GO AWAY AND START OVER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU.... EXCEPT IM SORRY IF I DID TOOO MUCH THATS JUST PART OF ME... IF YOU GET ME COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO ADMIT PART OF THAT 75% OF THINGS THAT I DON'T SPEAK WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I WOULDN'T WANT TO PUT ACTION BEHIND IT?

AND LISTENING TO YOU TALK ABOUT HOW TURNED OFF YOU ARE TO SOMEONE ON YOUR LAME PHONE AND YOU HADN'T SPOKEN TWO WORDS TO ME ALL DAY MADE ME WISH I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF YOU.

I THOUGHT ABOUT MY STUPOR AND KNOW THAT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TOO STUPID AND KNOW THAT IN SOBERIETY I DIDN'T EITHER... BUT STILL APPARRENTLY IT WAS JUST

TOO MUCH.....

AND AS TOO MUCH AS ALL THIS IS FOR ME BECAUSE ITS TOO STUPID I STILL WANT TO AT LEAST PUT IT BACK TOGETHER AGAIN BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE THINGS THAT ARE BROKEN...

TOO MUCH,

ANJL

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: I KNOW IM NOT PERFECT

DEAR


I STILL CRAVE TOUCH, KISSES, AND BEING TURNED OUT BUT I HAVEN'T DONE IT IN MONTHS.....


I STILL NOT TOTALLY CONVINCED THAT I'M BEAUTIFUL.... BUT I KNOW THAT I'M NOT JUST A TOY AND THAT I'M SOMEHTING TO BE TREASURED EVEN IF ALL YEAR IT SEEMS LIKE PEOPLE HAVE JUST THROWN ME AWAY.


I PROMISED THAT I WOULD NEVER LET HOW I FEEL GET IN THE WAY OF WHAT WAS IMPORTANT WITH him BUT THE FUNNY THING IS THAT THAT WAS WHAT IMPORTANT.... THAT DESPITE EVERYTHING I LOVED him AS A FRIEND AND AS A LOVER..... AND NOW THAT YOU'RE GONE I CAN LOVE MYSELF


EVEN THOUGH I ONLY WROTE ONE WHOLE SONG THIS YEAR AND I ACCIDENTLY MISSPLACED IT..... I'M THANKFUL CUZ I KNOW THAT I CAN STIL WRITE AND I FOUND MY VOICE AGAIN


NOT GONNA GRADUATE THIS YEAR WITH THE REST OF MY CLASS.... BUT IM DRIVEN TO FINISH SCHOOL FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER AND WON'T REGRET THE DAY I SIGN UP FOR CLASSES


I KNOW THAT I DON'T TALK TO YOU AS MUCH AS YOU WANT ME TOO AND THAT YOU AND I DON'T SEEE EYE TO EYE AND I HAVEN'T BEEN MUCH OF THE PERSON YOU CREATED ME TO BE..... BUT I FINALLY DON'T FEEL WORTHLESS BECAUSE YOU SHOWED ME THROUGH ALL THE PAIN THIS YEAR THAT THERE REALLY WAS SOMEHTING SPECIAL


IVE LOST A LOT OF FRIENDS THIS YEAR..... SOME PEOPLE THAT I GAVE SECOND CANCES TO, OTHERS WHO I'M SHOCKED I LOST, AND THEN SOME THAT I JUST NEEDED TO BE DONE WITH.... THEN THERE'S THIS FRIEND, THIS HERO THAT I HONESTLY WOULDN'T TRADE FOR ANYTHING


MY BABY IS SICK AND I CAN'T JUST GET UP AND GO WITH THE WIND IN MY FACE AND MUSIC IN MY EARS.... BUT IM STILL MOVIN FORWARD


I MIGHT NOT BE BETTER YET BUT AT LEAST IM AT A PLACE OF ACCEPTANCE AND TRYING TO NOT JUST MAKE THE BEST OF THINGS BUT TRULY LIVE INSPITE AND DESPITE IT


NO IM NOT THIS BIG TIME PHOTGRAPHER WITH FANCY EQIPMENT BUT JENNY SUE YOU HAVE BEEN SO FAITHFUL THAT I CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE YOU AND AM STARTING TO GET SAD AT THE THOUGHT OF LOSING YOU.


I KNOW THAT IM NOT PERFECT BUT.... THIS JOURNEY THAT IM ON HAS BEEN THE BEST THING I COULD EVER ASK FOR AND I'M SO THANKFUL FOR EVERY CHANGE AND THAT ONE DAY I'LL BE A LITTLE CLOSER TO PERFECTION

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: FRUSTRATION

DEAR

I'M WRITING YOU HOPING THAT YOU'LL GIVE ME SOME SORTA STRENGTH.... I'M FEELIN SO MANY THINGS GO WRONG RIGHT NOW AND I'M NOT SEEING WHEN AND WHERE THEY ARE GOING TO BE GETTING BETTER.

LAST NIGHT I HAD TO MAKE A CALL AT MIDNIGHT CUZ THE PAIN HURT SO MUCH..... AND IT RETURNED AS SOON AS I HUNG UP THE PHONE. SO I JUST CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP AGAIN.

TRYNNA GET BETTER IS SOO HARD WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT FOR YOURSELF.... NOBODY UNDERSTANDS AND THEY JUST THINK THAT YOU'RE BEING LAME.

I BROKE AND WROTE him AND EXPLAINED MYSELF... NOT LIKE I HAD TO BUT I DID BECAUSE I NEEDED TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT NOT TALKING TO HIM. THE FUNNY THING IS THAT SEEING THAT HE STILL DOESN'T EVEN CARE MADE ME EVEN MORE SURE....

IM WONDERING ABOUT q AND I DON'T LIKE THAT.... wow IS GETTING ON MY NERVES BECAUSE HE'S SO MUCH LIKE idiot, secret IS JUST A LOST CAUSE....

MY carrie IS IN PAIN, MY mighty mouse IS TOO BUSY FOR ME, AND MY BOYS ARE JUST WRAPPED UP IN THEIR GIRLS... I FEEL LIKE MY OTHER GIRLS WON'T UNDERSTAND.

I JUST NEED SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER A SIGN THAT THINGS ARE GOING TO BE OKAY.