Tuesday, January 13, 2009

LETTERS FROM THE SOL: (UNTITLED) TO MY RAPIST

DEAR,

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I'M WRITING THIS TO YOU... BUT I THINK I NEED TO.


FOUR YEARS AGO YESTEREDAY YOU SHATTERED EVERY IMAGE OF WHAT A MAN WAS SUPPOSSED TO BE, A FRIEND WAS, AND HOW YOU SHOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE.


YOU WERE UPSET THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE THINGS ANOTHER TRY.... THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANYMORE, I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE ME. YOU MANIPULATED MY FRIEND, UR FRIEND, AND TOOK AND DESTROYED. YOU WERE HIGH AND DRUNK AND ENRAGED AND EVEN WANTED TO HIT ME, THREATENED TO HURT ME IF I SAID ANYTHING. THEN SAID THAT IT WAS BECAUSE YOU MISSED ME SO MUCH YOU JUST THOUGHT IF YOU MADE ME SEE....


I REMEMBER HOW WELL I HAD PLAYED IN MY GAME EARLIER THAT NIGHT.... HOW MY FRIEND WANTED ME TO COME VISIT.... HOW U KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE UP THERE AND THAT YOU JUST WANTED TO SHOW ME THAT YOU OVER NOT BEING TOGETHER AND MISSED YOUR FRIEND....


ITS CRAZY CUZ I WAS ACTUALLY HAPPY TO SEE YOU.... I WAS GLAD... TILL I SAW THAT YOU HADN'T CHANGED, SAME OLD CHRISTIAN, SAME BAD HABBITS, SAME TEMPER, STILL JUST NOT WILLING TO BE DIFFERENT.


THEN WE ENDED UP BACK AT THAT HOUSE.... I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT HOUSE, THAT ROOM. WALKING ARM AND ARM WITH MY FRIEND LAUGHING AND TELLING HIM HOW YOU HAD TRIED TO COME ONTO ME.... IT WAS DARK BLUE IRONIC I THOUGHT FOR A BLOOD... HOW TYPICAL OF A JOCK TO HAVE A HEIGHT BENCH IN THEIR BEDROOM... I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE CHRISTIAN WAS... I DIDN'T CARE. MY FRIEND TOLD ME HOW HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE JUST FRIENDS AND KISSED ME... I REMEMBER THINKING THAT I COULDN'T DO THAT TO CHRISTIAN DESPITE HOW MUCH I DIDN'T FEEL FOR HIM ANYMORE...


BUT MY FRIEND KEPT KISSING AND ENDEND UP ONTOP ME, YOU SEE I DIDN'T SEE YOU IN THE DOOR WAY. AND BEFORE I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING I WAS BEING HELD DOWN BY MY FRIEND AND YOU HAD REPLACED HIM ON TOP OF ME.


"DON'T MAKE A SOUND OR ELSE.... I WANT YOU."


I TRIED TO RESIST BUT MY FRIEND WAS MORE THAN TWICE MY SIZE AND HOLDING ME DOWN. MY PANTS CAME OFF AND YOU STARTED TO PENETRATE...


I SAID NO,

I SAID NO

PLEASE

PLEASE NO...


YOU DIDN'T CARE AND SAID SHUT UP AND TAKE IT....


AND I GAVE UP AND JUST STARTED TO CRY.... AND LOOKED UP AT WHO I THOUGHT WAS MY FRIEND HOLDING ME DOWN AND JUST SAID, "PLEASE JUST DON'T HURT ME, PLEASE.... Y?"


I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS ABOUT THAT PLEA THAT BROUGHT YOU OUT OF YOUR HIGH AND BACK TO SOBRIETY BUT MY FRIEND TRIED TO BE MY FRIEND AGAIN AND PUSHED U OFF CHRISTIAN, AND PULLED ME UP CRYING TO HIM.


I REMEMBER THAT I WAS SHAKING... AND STILL CRYING... MY FRIEND STARTED TO APPOLOGIZE AND SAY THAT HE SAID YOU WANTED A ROUGH THREESOME AND THAT I SAID IT WAS OK.... "I'M SORRY B I DIDN'T KNOW THAT HE WAS LYING"


"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING LAY THE BITCH BACK DOWN SO I CAN FINISH"


"STAY AWAY FROM HER"


"YOU'RE STICKING UP FOR HER SHE'S FUCKIN MINE SHE WANTED THIS SHIT STUPID ASS BITCH"


"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?" SOMEHOW MY STRENGTH HAD RETURNED TO ME. I WAS STANDING NEAR THE BAR.


"GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY FACE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I HIT YOU"


"CHRISTIAN JUST LEAVE JUST GO"


"NO THIS BITCH HAS THREE SECONDS BEFORE I BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA HER AND LAY HER BACK DOWN.... ONE"

"BLOOD JUST CHILL OUT."

"TWO"

I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THE WEIGHT IN HIS HAND OR HIM START TO SWING BUT MY FRIEND DID. IF HE HADN'T HAVE PUSHED YOU BACK INTO THE WALL IT WOULD HAVE KNOCKED ME TO THE TEMPLE AND I WOULD HAVE LANDED AGAINST THE BAR THEN THE BENCH AND BEEN OUT.


"CHRISTIAN FUCKIN LEAVE NOW GET THE FUCK OUT!! B I'M SORRY I DIDN'T THINK HE WOULD EVER DO THIS TOO YOU ITS OKAY I PROMISE I'LL MAKE SURE YOU GET BACK TO THE CAR SAFE."


I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING AFTER THAT EXCEPT THE WATER FROM THE SHOWER AND ME CURLED IN A BALL ON THE GROUND. I GOT UP FOUR TIMES THAT NIGHT TO TAKE A SHOWER.


10 MISSED CALLS 5 NEW VOICEMAILS 14 NEW TEXT MESSAGES


R U OK? I FEEL LIKE SOME THING'S WRONG

MY FRIEND (2)

CHRISTIAN (3)

ANTOTHER FRIEND (4)

ANSWER YOUR PHONE

TALK TO ME

TALK TO ME

B ITS ME I NEED TO TALK TO YOU

TELL ANYONE AND I'M COMMING AFTER YOU

my heart (1)

"HEY B ITS ME cbr CALLED WORRIED ABOUT YOU AND THOUGHT THAT YOU MIGHT BE HERE IS EVERYTHING OK CALL ME BACK"


APPARENTLY A WHOLE WEEKEND PASSED



MONDAY I WAS IN CLASS TRANSCRIBING LYRICS INTO ONE OF MY BOOKS AND IT HIT ME THAT IT WASN'T JUST A NIGHTMARE.... AND I STARTED TO SHAKE AND SWEAT.... I WAS HYPERVENTALATING.... GOING INTO SHOCK.


I DIDN'T FINISH CLASS THAT DAY


"FRIEND DID THIS REALLY HAPPEN OR WAS IT A DREAM"

"IT DID... DID YOU CALL THE COPS YOU CAN'T I DON'T WANT TO GO DOWN FOR THAT TOO PLEASE... YOU'RE MY FRIEND.... AND CHRISTIAN SAID HE'D HAVE YOU KILLED."


AND AS I HUNG UP THE PHONE I TRIED TO FORGET IT... IT EVER HAPPENED. AND TO A DEGREE I DID. I SAW YOU AGAIN CHRISTIAN AND I KNOW YOU TRIED TO COME AND GET ME.... BUT I WAS PROTECTED THEN....


MORE TIME HAS PASSED I'M SURE TO YOU IT SEEMS LIKE SOMETHING THAT WASN'T THAT BIG OF A DEAL TO YOU AND ITS JUST SOME DISTANT MEMORY. BUT FOR ME IT STILL STINGS.... IT STILL CARRIES A SCAR.


I CAN'T GET TOOO CLOSE TO MY GUY FRIENDS CUZ I HAD ONE COMMIT THE ULTIMATE BETRAYL...


I'M AFRAID TO NOT GIVE SOMEONE WHAT THEY WANT.... CUZ THEY MIGHT TAKE IT ONE DAY....


AND I STILL SOMETIMES TAKE SHOWERS BECAUSE I FEEL NOT QUITE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.


STILL CAN'T QUITE FEEL TOTALLY SAFE WITH ANYONE.



SO WHY WRITE YOU KNOW? CUZ FOUR YEARS LATER I UNDERSTAND THAT BECAUSE OF THAT HORRIBBLE NIGHT I STARTED TO REINVENT MYSELF TO HIDE THE SCARS... AND IN THE PROCESS I FOUND HOW STRONG AND BOLD AND GREAT I AM...


SO THANK YOU.... I KNOW YOU JUST THINK YOU HURT ME.... BUT I AM WHERE I AM CUZ YOU DECIDED TO TRY TO DESTROY ME.... I GUESS YOU COULD SAY IT WAS THE FIRST FLIGHT FOR THIS phoenix

11 comments:

Super Woman said...

Deep.

I think its admirable and very strong of you to actually see the positive in a situation that happened to you where another person would have drowned themselves in the negative. I was crying because i felt every feeling you felt ...I would explain why but i'd rather not.

But i felt the "You may not think its that big of a deal but to me it was" because i feel like that sometimes.

MIZZ MINNIE said...

i just had to sit in silence for awhile and i really started to cry reading it cus i could see and feel what you where going through . you r not the only one of my girls who have been through this and i hate that there are men that could do this. im happy u r pulled through this and it made u strong .

riiickey. said...

i dnt knw how i found your journal but i can honestly say that you are courageous & a true inspiration to those that have had this experience as well. your success in life will defintely be positive. take care

She W0rd Hustlez said...

Wow...I was speechless after reading this post. You're a very strong woman, and I think it takes a lot for you to go back down this path. You're quite positive too, and thats really the only way to be.

(vixenchick) said...

wow. that was deep. i'm really glad you were able to express yorself and get all the feelings out. i've been there too, and i know what its like. feels like a wound that will never heal.

xoxo

vixen

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

dang that is so troubling and sad - they do not represent me as a man - i wish i could apologize for them. i would never rape or steal never.

Mista Jaycee said...

I bow my head for your healing.
Jaycee

C. Versy said...

That was hard to read. Almost cried. More power to you for addressing it in such a public manner. I was molested as a kid so I can kind of relate. I think I just got the inspiration to write about it. Thanks

JuJu said...

awh boo - you gave me the chills and made me cry :( something kinda similiar like this happened to me when i first moved to san diego when i was downtown tho and i still am not quite the same.. i love you boo; dont ever let anyone shake you. i am glad you can come out from this a stronger much better woman. stay up mamas. im here if you need me!

Big Homey™ said...

It takes a strong woman to reveal such a story. I pray that God continues to strengthen you reward you strength. I truly believe that you are an amazing individual. Keep you head up and remember that God has a purpose for your life. May God let your cup runneth over is my prayer.

Amen.

Anjl Marie said...

HEY GANG THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR KIND WORDS.... YEAH IT WAS A TOUGH POST BUT ITS SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE SPOKEN ON SO THAT OTHER WOMEN WILL HAVE THE STRENGTH TO SPEAK ON IT ONE DAY.

THANK YOU SOOO MUCH TO ALL OF YOU I HEART YOU ALL